How long do you think I can keep staring at this screen, hitting refresh on my favourite blogs, hoping something, anything, can keep me from doing the work I should be doing?

Surreptitious writings

Surreptitious writings from the corner of the office.

A weekend of no real consequence. I had Friday off, which by now is a faint memory. I was asked what I did for the day, and I could not recall, initially. Hours of guitar practice, it finally dawned on me. And chatting online. And some laundry. And maybe I lay in the sun for a little while. That I cannot recall at all.

Saturday was the usual guitar lesson, although I somehow lost an hour in the morning (can time slip down the back of a sofa like house keys?) so I was running very late. I managed to make the lesson on time, but with little chance for a warm up, and it felt as though the effort I’d put in throughout the week in practicing made little difference. I’m sure it does, but I am frustrated with my limitations and seeming lack of progress. Put in context, five months ago I could barely strum a chord, today I can pick out pieces by sight (very roughly)… so I am making progress. And I continue to enjoy it very much. It is just the way I was raised. If we were to get 96% in an exam, the question would be, what went wrong with the other 4%. I try very hard to change my focus to that remarkable 96% of life, but sometimes the old 4% digs into my heels and tries to drag me down. It might explain a little about why I fear making mistakes so much though.

And Sunday. Well, if Sunday’s could be bought, I’d return mine as faulty. I had a day of the ‘screamies’.

The screamies is a phrase I coined when I was about 14. Specifically I would get the screamies in Mr Kisch’s geometry class. I don’t know what it was about that class, but I would sit there, staring at the page, not seeming able to understand anything he was saying, digging my nails into my palms, and screaming on the inside. Tears would well. It felt like I had a weight on my chest, like I could not breathe. And, teeth grinding, my head would wail. The screamies would always pass, and then I’d look back at whatever had wound me up into that state, and would easily solve it. It just seemed sometimes as though my frustration caused my whole system to want to shut down.

I don’t get the screamies anymore. Or, very rarely.

But yesterday was Screamy Sunday.

From the moment I woke up, I was agitated. I knew I should be working on a job that I had originally planned to do on Monday and Tuesday, but due to a change of some other work’s schedule, I was now facing spending the Sunday working on this job. And I didn’t want to. I wanted to go out with my sister to the local festival, I wanted to have some fun. But I knew I should stay at home and work. And between the two, my temper shortened, my concentration evaporated, my jaw ground and every muscle in my body was so tense it felt like they on the verge of cramping. The logical side of me told me this was a completely irrational response, that screaming and crying were pointless. The illogical side of me told that side of my brain to fuck off.

And then I realised something. This was a convergence of situation and hormones. Oh god. Run. Run! RUNNNN!!!!!










I’m feeling better today.

Different skins

I spent yesterday listening to a single cd over and over and over again.

On Saturday I bought Bernard Fanning's Tea & Sympathy. He is the lead singer of a high profile Australian band, Powderfinger, but for some reason I've never really become immersed in their music. This CD, however, is a different matter. Something about it reminds me a lot of another CD I loved as a young person, Richard Pleasance's Galleon. I think it's the intimacy, something pared back and raw about it.

I don't know the story behind this CD, but if I was to have a guess, the story the lyrics tell me, is that he was in a relationship and he fell in love with someone else. Of course, I might be very wrong, but the words remind me so much of the conversations I had with the husband that was when we were trying to figure out what we were to do with our futures, after he had fallen in love with another.

Oh god, you all groan, not that again.

Don't panic. I'm just saying that I've developed a more... I suppose I'm just more empathetic to the pain of the person caught in that position, knowing someone with be hurt regardless of the outcome and they have to live with knowing it was at their hands. Of course, not everyone would feel that responsibility, but for those that do, I've seen a little of the conflict and pain. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And I'm lucky that I know that I've gained more than I've lost. I am so much stronger and happier having lived through it.

Of course, if husband that was had made a bestseller CD out of our situation, you can bet your arse I'd be hitting him for half the royalties. *hehe*

And for another CD recommendation, Wolfmother. It ROCKS!